If Knitting Were A Guy Thing

1. StitchesTM, TKGA and fiber events would have brewery sponsors.
2. Yarn stores would have turbo names like “Great Balls…of Yarn.”
3. Yarn stores would have liquor licenses.
4. All Americans would be entitled to “life, liberty, the pursuit of happiness… and yarn.” It would be a law.
5. Medical insurers would reimburse for yarn expenditures as they would be recognized as critical for mental health…more important than PropeciaTM, not as important as ViagraTM.
6. Handknit sweaters would be priced according to labor required.
7. There would be a labor union for knitters and it would have frequent strikes, usually during hunting, fishing, and shearing seasons.
8. There would be heavy tariffs on imported knitted goods.
9. SEX could have two significant meanings. Extramarital SEX could also have two significant meanings. (Ed. note: SEX is the KnitList acronym for Stash Enhancement eXpedition.)
10. “Frogging” and “tinking” would be replaced by RRRipping.
11. There would be RRRipping contests with prizes for both speed and aggression.
12. Yarn would definitely not be reusable after RRRipping.. Therefore RRRipping would lead SEX to work off the aggression, or replenish inventory, or both.
13. Knitting needles would come in over 100 sizes and be sold at Home DepotTM and other hardware stores.
14. Knitters would just *have to have* all 100 sizes for some reason to be happy.
15. Black & DeckerTM would patent the first Power Needle and users would require safety goggles. Bob Vilas would be the commercial pitchman.
16. Addi would sell the Turbo trade-mark for big $$ bucks.
17. Knitting needle point-of-sale displays would include micrometers so buyers could check accuracy of needle diameter.
18. The Knitlist Christmas gift patttern exchange would include a pattern for a quick-and-easy pattern for TV/VCR remote control holder with attached security wrist strap.
19. Yarn futures would be quoted on the financial news. The Chicago Board of Trade would make a market in yarn options and derivatives contracts.
20. Bait shops would sell yarn, as would concessions at airports, sporting events, high-rise office buildings, truck stops, toll-booths, etc.
21. Someone would at least try to figure out how to spin feathers, fish scales and/or the fur of small game mammals into knittable fiber.
22. Pet sheep would be popular and would have names like “Spike”. Beer-drinking sheep would be considered funny.
23. Knitting machines would have more flashing lights and settings you could adjust. Some models would have an optional sound system.
24. The Energizer BunnyTM would have the world’s longest scarf.
25. Husbands would hope their wives thought there was another woman…to finding out how much time and money were spent at yarn stores.
26. DNA researchers would work day and night to bring them back wooly mammoths.
27. Discussions of Continental versus English/American and other knitting styles would be heated and frequently require outside arbitration.
28. Even the most conservative, tradition-bound knitter would let “the little woman” do all of the finishing and blocking!
29. Men would lie about yarn purchases.
30. Stash custody battles during divorce negotiations would get ugly.

Originally submitted to the Knitlist by McRuggles and reprinted here with her permission.

Copyright © 1998 by McRuggles. All Rights Reserved.
No portion of this document may be copied in any format without the written consent of the copyright holder.

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